Send As SMS



Wednesday, January 29, 2003

random thoughts:

i can't digest sushi yet i still eat it and suffer later.

i don't think i like people very much. i keep trying to like them but it just isn't happening.

i watched the state of the union address but wasn't paying too much attention and it all sounded like the teacher from Peanuts was talking.

bryan's mom called me tonight to find out how my job interview went. i haven't heard anything yet and the man who interviewed me said he'd know in 3 weeks. sigh.

i am still traumatized by yesterday's luncheon with my old boss, E. she has lost so much weight she looks like she's dying. like something out of Schindler's List.

i am hopelessly addicted to American Idol and Joe Millionaire. i never thought this would happen.

thursday i'm going to neela's house for dinner although i don't really want to. me, joni, and rebecca have decided if it's unfun we're going to leave after an hour. tamar might be there and no one likes her.

i've been watching oprah lately and i'm starting to believe her. it's scary. i might buy this book.

a day doesn't go by where someone doesn't ask me about marriage. when i visited my old workplace the other day i saw an ex-workmate and she just got engaged and the question came up AGAIN.
i feel like i'm already married. what more could change?

i really need to stop eating pink and purple and white conversation hearts.

Friday, January 24, 2003

my email to oolong's owner and his reply

i am so sorry to hear of oolong's passing.
i have kept bunnies for nearly 10 years. 2 have passed on but one remains. her name is angel.
you can see some photos of her at my site:

oolong will be missed by many people.
oolong made me smile!


new york, new york



Thanks for warm email! I'm quite cheered up and feel saved
by your condolences. But I still mistake if Oolong is here,
and sometimes call him unconsciously.
I've bred rabbits for 23 years, so near the future I will get
a new rabbit, I think. I'm going to leave Oolong's homepage on
however new update will be over.
Since I'm a photographer, I wish to publish Oolong photo book
if possible.
Thank you for loving my Oolong so much!
Your Angel is so cute. And thank you for Oolong's photo
also on your site.

Hironori Akutagawa

Monday, January 20, 2003

project ice milk a.k.a. carrots are our friends

bryan is officially on a 'diet'. he is aware of the weight watchers points system and he's going to be reducing his portions and cutting down on sugar.
i'm going to start exercising more and cut back on my sugar as well. i better use it before i lose it!
i'm just getting to the point where i need activity or this body's going to turn to marshmallows.
i've been lucky for 27 years. not bad at all.
i like to swim. must find suitable pool and bathing suit.
i have to learn that just because something has 40 calories doesn't mean i can eat 5 of them.

Saturday, January 18, 2003

i'm afraid to read mrs. dalloway

last night we saw 'the hours'. we almost didn't make it there because there were no trains at our subway station since a train had stalled and was stuck in the tunnel right before our stop. we had to take the bus and luckily made it to the theater in the nick of time. the movie was so very sad and romanticized death. it was about depression, avoidance, selfish/selflessness, loneliness, death. i don't know what to say about it, really.

woman as caregiver.. depression.. dementia.. surrender.. to have a career or not to have a career. how to fulfill and be fulfilled without compromising yourself. women are presented with all of these paradoxes and somehow we manage to appear sane and go on. this is something i struggle with. expectation on every front. you must meet all of these expectations and then exceed them. i seldom stop to ask myself what my own expectations are. that's where problems start.

and depression. i could say i'm depressed. i probably am but hell, i feel it's self-inflicted and in that case i deserve it. i could get out of it, shrug it off and start living like everyone else does. i could stop sleeping until afternoon and i could join the living. i could stop watching the news because god knows that can't be helping. i don't want to take any pills or talk to someone about my sadness or read self-help books or smoke pot or drink lots of vodka or keep busy to forget about it. i need to confront what's bothering me and put it to bed and move on and popping some pills won't help.

to say the least, the movie reminded me a lot of myself. i spend too much time avoiding my own life and problems in favor of trying to care for others when in reality i don't have enough to give in the first place and end up falling short and disappointing myself.

i need to work on a lot of things about myself. i need to work on being more trusting and regain some faith in humanity. i've been dealt a lot of shit in the past few years from strangers and from friends that has made me lose so much trust in people. this loss of trust has turned into hate for all people and when you start hating everyone else, you also start to hate yourself. i need to be more selfless. i am so selfish! it's disgusting. if you're not careful, you become what you hate. so much more to say here, but i'll stop for now.

so last night we took a cab home since it was negative 500 degrees outside and we went inside and didn't turn on the tv or the computers and just sat on the couch and talked for 2 hours.

i was talking to my mom yesterday and she told me my journal is boring- that i need to talk more about my life and what i do and what i think. i guess i've been holding back. i've been holding out on you. sorry.
my dad got a job! so very happy. it only took him 1 year and 5 months (from when he got laid off). there is hope.

it's so cold outside but luckily me and bryan have big fluffy down parkas that keep us warm and make us look like fat little eskimos. i want vietnamese for dinner.

Monday, January 13, 2003

i feel that the purpose of life is to touch as many lives as we can.

Friday, January 10, 2003

innocent dog murdered by cop

i don't normally watch the news, but today i got up early and saw this horrific story on the today show. what kind of world are we living in? this just proves how trigger happy cops truly are. they are monsters. i feel so bad for the 17 year old boy (owner of the dog). i hope they sue and put that cop out of commission for a very long time.
animals are just as valuable as humans and should be treated as such. poor doggy. :(

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

keeping up appearances

"your life can be a big pile of shit, but as long as your hair looks good everything will be ok."

-life according to bryan's mom. [what she said to me after letting me know she thinks my hair looks awesome.]

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

dream fragments

raw lips cocaine binge woman bleached hair ragged jagged voice lady from the airplane. girl 17 laughing at sagging breasts scream they aren't always perky your dress i stole i gave away the 38 bra. let's drive to larchmont instead stay away from her witchy she leaves dirty maxi pads lying on the floor and writes with old fashioned pen and ink in green with a wooden stick. i saw myself as a girl of 5 sitting indian style in kindergarten playing pattycake. i stared at her as long as i could.

Sunday, January 05, 2003

i saw the lord of the rings movie with bryan this afternoon just to appease him. i've never been a fan, and much like star wars, i just don't seem to get the hoopla. orcs? does that have something to do with mork?

when i was little i was a member of the WSTM club, and specifically, the Scooby Doo Fanclub. you'll only know what i'm talking about if you grew up anywhere near central New York State. every week they'd do a drawing and pull someone's name out of a rotating drum full of tickets. one week, they pulled my name and i won 5 tickets to see a production of The Hobbit at the War Memorial Auditorium in Syracuse. i gave the 5th ticket to my friend Michelle Mack. the play was scary and confusing. the characters were puppets manned by people all in black. it was like Mummenschanz, or a nightmare.

i don't think i have much of an imagination and that's got to be why i shy away from anything fantasy or Sci Fi. if it doesn't seem like a human possibility then i want nothing to do with it.
this has a domino effect and colors my opinions on anything from religion to the validity of relationship articles in glamour magazine.

but i did like dr. who when i was 4 years old. only because i thought it was supposed to be funny.

Friday, January 03, 2003

out of all the christmas presents we got this year, the krups ice cream maker has to be the best. bryan made homemade coffee ice cream in it the other day and it's the most wonderful ice cream i've ever tasted in my entire life. better than haagen daaaszz.
smart people know bryan and lisa love food related presents.
but there are levels of like.
2 pound bag of costa rican coffee= yay
box of meat and cheese= nay

Thursday, January 02, 2003

i visited my parents in north carolina during xmas.
i took some photos using disposable kodak cameras..

this site is getting a facelift very soon.
this will be my only journal from now on so i'll be updating more regularly.
stayed tuned..