note to self:

stop being a defeatist.

the sheer number of makeover shows on television today makes one wonder exactly how lost we all are and how we got that way. do we really look that horrible that we need completely new wardrobes, hairstyles, home decor, cooking tips and life partners?
i'm all for self-improvement but are these willing participants willing because they want to look better or are they just doing it cuz it's fo' free?
i think the latter.

but if you are still feathering your hair and wearing tight stonewashed pants doesn't that just make you a hipster or something? isn't that ironic and better left alone?
surely i'm not fully working my inner fashionista but who is? are you?
most people are just too lazy.

i used to enjoy trading spaces and even changing rooms but lately i find myself shuddering at the color combos and the designers' concepts of what "furni" is.
i wonder how many trading spacers end up undoing the entire design once the trailer of helpers leaves. 70%?

do these shows leave you feeling inadequate? no? good.

my eyes are not brown. they are light brown and sometimes hazel.
this is something my mother pointed out to me recently. she has hazel eyes.

i don't microwave a cup of water when i want to make tea. i use a tea kettle.
i like to hear it screech.

we own an all-clad pot. we are serious about cooking up in here, bitches.

i'm still kind of sick but finally taking antibiotics. zithromax = magic. thank you.
tomorrow i will finally go back to work after a big fat week off.
kind of made me nostalgic for my unemployed days. kind of.
except for the being poor part. i'm now accustomed to spending money and
acquiring mountains of receipts. it's a bad habit. a hard one to break.
my voice is kind of husky - i like it.

i'm learning to relax. relax don't stress about people or things that don't matter.
i matter most. i'm number one.

i'm from Sherrill, New York. i lived there in this house from age 4 to age 19. winters were spent making snowmen and snow tunnels out in the backyard and drinking hot cocoa and making forts in the dining room under the table with blankets and pillows. summers were spent at the community swimming pool that cost us 50 cents a day, getting really tan, and riding my bike.
i went to a closeminded high school that was 99% white. for variety we had one asian family and two east indians. oh yeah, and maybe 2 african-american kids. in the summertime, fresh air children would be sent to us from places like Syracuse.
notable neighborhood personalities include the following:
-vietnam man (he came home from 'Nam but never really left. wore a bandana and walked along the highway. had bonfires in his front yard sometimes.)
-mysterious and scary house way down the street (i lived on a dead end street and at the very end there was a horse farm. just before the very end there was a scary shack of a house and we never really knew if anyone lived there. we'd see a car parked out front sometimes but the lawn was never mowed and grew several feet high. one day, i was dared to knock on the door and i did. a very old woman answered and it smelled like pee and we got scared and ran.)
there wasn't really much to do for fun during my teen years. you could go see a movie in the next little town over - Oneida
(a 3 minute drive). Sherrill didn't have its own theater. Sherrill did have one pizza parlor, one ice cream parlor, one beauty parlor, a gas station, a grocery store and a mechanic. if you were a cool kid you probably went drinking in the woods somewhere. if you were a badass you drove 3 towns over to Utica and Carmella's Cafe and drank coffee and smoked cigarettes.
these days, Sherrill is dying. Oneida Limited, the major source of income for the smallest incorporated city in america, is doing poorly. my parents left New York two years ago and headed to North Carolina. the jobs are a bit more plentiful down there and the houses are huge and cheap as hell.
my only concern is that my family might acquire a southern accent. it has happened to everyone i know who has moved down there so we shall see.

Taurus Horoscope for week of November 6, 2003

Change your relationship with mirrors, Taurus. If you tend to be obsessed with what they tell you, lose your addiction and escape their tyranny. If you usually avoid them out of fear, summon your courage and approach them with your warrior's heart fully engaged. And in the event you're typically rather apathetic towards them, develop a more intimate connection. It's time to shift the dynamic between you and your reflection.

you're sitting in a diner alone. there's a couple sitting in front of you, a little to your right. they are in their 60's and having soup. she can't open her crackers and passes the little plastic package to him. he crushes it and tears it open. she smiles and nods. he carefully dumps it into her bowl of clam chowder.

have you ever wondered how a couple manages to stay together for 50 years or even more?

some people are allergic to that kind of comfort. they equate comfort and predictability with stagnation and boredom. some people can't live without more zest, more danger, more... drama? some people bounce from one lap to the next and even when they find someone to love and who loves them, they keep bouncing.
what are they looking for? do they want every encounter to involve being propped up on a bathroom sink and having their skirt ripped off? do they get a thrill from the chase and when they finally get caught feel let down?

i used to be like that. i think many people have had their taste of that. but then i met bryan and we've been together for the last 10 years (more or less). sure, we broke up a couple of times here and there for a day or a week or something stupid. i haven't always been an angel. he has stood by me through many hard times. i have stood by him as well. he is my best friend even though we don't see very much of each other these days. even so, it's comforting to know that he will arrive home each night. it's reassuring to know that he loves me even though i am far from perfect. i often wonder if anyone could really love me the way he loves me. he knows the real me. he knows the me that is honest and blunt; the me that's often whiney and childlike - the me that always gets her way. he has seen me at my lowest times, blubbering and sniffling and ugly. and he still loves me. we are bound together by experience and i can safely say he has seen too much!

sometimes i wonder what i'd be like if i never met bryan. i wonder where i would live and what i'd be doing right at this moment.

i believe that the following classes should be offered in college:

office 101 - a beginner course on faxing, filing, photocopying, fed-exing, memo writing, phone answering (including transferring calls and forwarding calls), step and fetch-it etiquette and a seminar on how to arrive late but look like you've been at your desk for at least a half hour by leaving your computer on overnight and putting papers on your chair.

NYC geography - subway maps, highways and byways explored in-depth on paper and by foot.

the history of alcohol 102 - where alcohol comes from and what to mix it with. how not to look stupid while ordering alcohol and/or drinking alcohol.

i should tell you about my bosses sometime.
i'm too busy right now writing a mad-lib job description. it's pornographic and it's me giving the MAN the finger!
i am eating soup because i'm sick. goldfish crackers i love you.

on my mind...

-how important are breasts to you? do you like yours? this is a unisex question.

-phones. i don't use them much. i don't know why. i don't like them anymore. i used to like them when i was a teen but i think all teens like the phone.

-mister green jeans. who chose that swampy green color for work pants and shirts for all blue collar, i work in the back, dirty fingernail, hairgrease men?

ever have one of those days where you get some toilet paper stuck hanging from the back of your waistband and you walk around like that for a little while before someone makes you aware of it? yeah.