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Sunday, March 30, 2003

weekend recapsule in short sentences

friday night we went to a birthday dinner for bryan's cousin, jennifer. we had the biggest sushi pig out and the restaurant we went to (waaaay out on long island.. merrick-ish) had the most interesting special rolls.
saturday we went to the maul, where bryan forced me to buy some new clothes. i loathe shopping. i've never enjoyed it... how very ungirlish of me! like, how could i NOT just looove to shop? maybe because i always feel so much pressure to buy when i hardly ever find anything i actually like? i found one pair of DKNY jeans that are really dark blue and i bought 4 tee shirts from H&M - all the same style but in 4 different colors. and a red belt. maybe i should start wearing "uniforms". i knew someone who used to do that but he was crazy.
apparently my lack of clothing embarasses bryan. so now he says at least i have some clothes to wear for when i go to shop for even more. sometimes i cry when he tells me these things.
today we woke up late and went to BJ's with matt and christine. it was a zoo! but we got to stock up on cereal, juice, TP and paper towels, and other assorted 5 pound tubs of mayonnaise. for dinner bryan's dad came over with salmon and we cooked it up with rice and several delicious vegetables. pineapple was for dessert.
i talked to my mom earlier and they found another house they like. they tell me it's way better than the other one- bigger, and with wood floors in the foyer and dining room. nice carpeting. i hope this one works out for them. the last house turned out to be a lemon.
my mom thinks i should get into writing more. she's convinced that i'm somehow talented in that area but i often feel like my writing is forced, and i have no particular style. i'm also losing my spelling skills. sometimes i feel like my brains are leaking - me no smart anymore. urg.
i also want to see if i can make some money by taking photos of people and things -- somehow. it must be possible. it can be done. bar mitzvahs? weddings? doggies? people on the street? just random stuffs? i'm going to take a photography class this summer - and a writing class. i must go in the direction of my interests...cube life is not for me.
my little brother is 6'7" and weighs about 180 pounds, if that much. he's a string bean! he's been going to the gym every day after work for an hour and taking Creatine to try and bulk up. so he's a carpenter during the day, lifting things and repairing furniture for 8 plus hours and then after work he sweats in a gym for an extra hour! hopefully he will gain some weight but that Creatine stuff scares me.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

i do my best thinking in the shower. i probably spend a little too much time in there daydreaming instead of lathering.
i really think life isn't worth living unless you have something to look forward to.
not having anything to look forward to breeds depression, feelings of hopelessness, and inevitably, suicide.
i have much to look forward to. i have much to hope for.
i have a couple new angles on the job search. i have something on the burner and it smells pretty nice. i am optomistic because of the sunshine and the cardinal i saw the other day.
i'm going to my cousin's wedding the day after my birthday. i never see my extended family so i'm really looking forward to it. and rhode island is pretty in may. my birthday is may 1st and i've decided that all i really want is a facial. a nice, inexpensive facial, if possible.
my little brother is visiting me at the end of may and i can't wait to take him around the town again. i'm going to surprise him with yankees tickets. we tried to get good tickets for a yankees vs. boston game but couldn't so instead we will see them play toronto. i want to take him to see the statue of liberty and ellis island because i've never even been there and it's another thing i can cross off my list of 'touristy new york attactions i must see before i die'.
i want to take him to karaoke at arlene grocery and i want to have a barbecue/party here at our house so he can meet some of my new york people. which reminds me that we need to buy more propane.
march is almost over. i must find things to look forward to in april. interviews, perhaps?
i threw away another garbage bag full of clothes to try to stop myself from wearing ugly things. now i will have to either go naked or never leave the house again. or maybe i will sew a bunch of pretty springy skirts. i have a pattern and some magenta fabric so i need to do that and make some curtains for the living room.
bryan's mom called me today and she keeps asking me if everything is ok. i hate when people ask me if everything is ok because whenever people say that it's as if they want you to start crying and sob "oh, actually everything is just horrible and i want to tell you all about it!". so yeah, i told her everything is great, despite the fact that i haven't worked in 2 years. yes, 2 years april 5th. reaching the 2 year mark means i have won the title of Almighty Do-Nothing. when you realize most of your weekly laundry consists of pajamas, it is a sad, sad day. anyway, she told me she just wants me to be happy and made some remarks (yet again) about a wedding and her grandchildren that i have not yet given birth to. yes, again she mentions how she just wants some grandchildren and i have told her time and time again i'll squeeze one out and she can handle it until it knows how to wipe itself and then i'll take over.
the only thing that's really going great is my relationship with bryan. he's more than i could have ever asked for. he's understanding, loving, caring, compassionate, with love unwavering.
and he makes me laugh. any other guy would have kicked me to the curb by now. but i guess he sees some promise in me.
without that i don't know where i'd be.

Sunday, March 16, 2003

it was a gorgeous day - sunny, breezy and around 60 degrees. i threw the windows open and baked cupcakes to bring to bryan's aunt's house. we went there this afternoon for corned beef and ham and sweet potatoes and cabbage. i'm on the verge of getting all hong kong flu-ey like bryan has been for the past week but i think i just might dodge it. my immune system is one tough mother. spring feels just around the corner and i'm feeling more alive and optomistic.
i was trying to find something to wear today and pulled a typical lisa move. i decided my jeans and tee shirt weren't good enough, proceeded to try on every other piece of clothing i own only to realize my original outfit was the best choice. so now my entire closet is on my bed and i just feel like getting rid of everything. i really want to be on that tlc show where they give you a whole new wardrobe. i pretty much hate everything i own.

i'm reading prozac nation and i think after i finish reading it i'm going to burn it. it's exactly what i SHOULD NOT be reading right now.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Dear Mother Nature,

I'm so incredibly tired of winter and puffy coats and icy sidewalks and slush and sand and salt.
Where's summer? Please let's skip spring altogether.
Thank You.

Sincerely yours,

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

A rut is comfortable and lined in velvet; change is difficult.

Monday, March 03, 2003

The phone rings. It's my mom.


"Hi. Are you sleeping?"

"No, no... just lying down." (It was noon, I was dreaming.)

"You sound like you have a cold. Is my little nubbin' not feeling good? You should have some chicken soup. Depression does tend to run a person down, you know."

I hadn't really had the chance to discover if I was actually sick or just hungover so I went along with it.

"Yeah. I think I'm getting a cold or something. I don't think we have any chicken soup."

"Well go take a hot shower and force some liquids.
Oh, we bought new phones today. Now I can call you more often. We get 1000 any time minutes."

"That's awesome, mom but I hope you're going to use one of those earphones so you don't get brain cancer. You don't want brain cancer. I don't want you to die from brain cancer. You never know."

"Hmm? Earbuds? How much do they cost? They didn't include that in the package. Your uncle Jack has this fancy headset I think it cost him $130. I don't know."

"Mom. It's not going to cost that much. Mine came with my phone. I think it's like $15 bucks."

(She shouts to my dad asking why they don't have any earbuds.)

"Tell Bryan February came and went."

(I groan silently)
I shouldn't have told her about his bonus. She expects an engagement ring on my finger any day now.


Conversation, the previous day - with Bryan's brother.

"Do you think Bryan is ever going to propose?"

"You got me. You know how he is. It's like we're already married."

"Well it has been 9 years, right?"

"Yeah. And?"

"You realize I can't get married until he does, don't you? It's kind of an unspoken rule. The younger brother takes the cue of the elder brother."

"Is that written in stone? I think you could one-up us. We'd be bitter for a few years but then we'd come around. We might even babysit your kids for you if you're lucky."

(He laughs)

"It's not like I'm one of those bitches who's all 'Oh, but I want 3 carats and Tiffany and this and that..'. If he gave me a cigar band ring tomorrow I'd say yes. He tells me he's still saving up. I don't want him to spend an arm and a leg but he refuses to listen to me."

We both sigh.


5 days earlier, I have a conversation with Bryan's grandpa while at his house.

"See that picture frame on the wall? The empty one. The big white empty one?"


"Yeah. I could have filled that with pictures from the wedding in Mississippi." (The last family wedding.)
But I'm saving it for a special day."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. A special day that's going to happen in the next couple of years."

"Really? I hope I'm invited!"

Saturday, March 01, 2003

me and my boyfriend sleep in separate rooms because he snores and it keeps me awake all night.
when we first met (in college) we used to share one of those dinky single beds. we'd cram ourselves
on there and by morning, i'd find myself not-so-delicately wedged between the bed and the wall, falling into the crack. we were all about the togetherness back then and his snoring was minimal and didn't bother me.
ever since he's gained some weight his snoring has become earth-moving. even if i wear earplugs i can
still feel his snoring vibrations.
i really want to be able to sleep in the same bed but i'm at the point where i really really love having an entire bed to myself. i sprawl out like a crime scene chalk outline. i can fart under the covers all i want.
but how abnormal is it to sleep in separate beds? does that mean we don't love each other enough?
there is a taboo associated with not sharing a bed with the one you love and it's not even lucy and ricky cute.
i should be able to suck it up and deal with the snoring because i love him, no? or is that outdated thinking?
i'm too selfish? i think he needs a sinus operation.