all the girls i've loved before...

occupations i have contemplated thus far:

-publishing (i thought it sounded very official and important and influential. hah! when i found out how shitty the pay is i crossed it off the list.)
-speech therapy (i AM still interested in sign language and the deaf community but i don't thrive in an office setting and all the one-on-one time doesn't appeal to me.)
-teaching english in asia (sounds very cool. sounds like something you'd want to be able to say you did once. that's about all the appeal it has for me, really. i would get too homesick.)
-teaching in the new york city public school system- (how noble, right? wrong. i realized i do not enjoy children.)
-photographer (i don't know about this one. i haven't crossed it off the list yet. i'm still contemplating and am not sure if i have "the right stuff". heh.)

"occupations" i have occupied thus far:

- babysitter (you know, like most teenage girls. in my heyday i had around 6 different families i sat for.)
-fast food worker bee (very short-lived. not hardly worth a spot on the list. helped turn me off fast food - a good thing.)
-grocery store cashier (a very important job, one requiring people skills. i liked it except it gave me lots of spider veins.)
-photo researcher & editor (i got my very first cubicle. i honed my phone voice with this job. i learned that anything is possible. anything.)
-marketing slave coordinator extraordinaire (biggest bullshit job to date. i have refined my skills at looking like i'm doing something when i'm really doing nothing. i am learning to hate corporate america (even more than ever) and the mediocre products peddled to the innocent consumer. good times. good times. office space means more and more to me every day. the only plus about this job is the sample sales.)

i have worked a grand total of 6 years so far out of my 29. 3 of those years were served before the age of 18 and 3 of those years were post-college from age 24.
if you couldn't tell, i do not enjoy "working". in a previous life i was a queen, or a princess, aka someone who told people what to do 24/7 and sat on her ass all day eating bon bons and laughing at the misfortune of others. i do not enjoy working. i am convinced i will never enjoy working. the only people - THE ONLY PEOPLE - who enjoy working are the people in power. if i could order xyz around all day i'd probably feel better. but that's just sad. okay, i take it back. there are other people who enjoy working and those are the people who actually make a difference. those are the people who do the things they talk about in public service announcements. you know, the more you know...

in conclusion i either need to:

a.) boss people around (and get paid)
or
b.) help people less fortunate than i
or
c.) continue living in a fantasy world where people get paid for making pretty things and being creative

but--- b.) isn't so pure because it inflates the ego. the whole "i'm helping you so that makes me good and righteous." instead of "i'm helping you out of kindness and all things pure and i mean it from the bottom of my heart and i really want to just help and love and heal the world.". but i guess the only people who are like the second example are nuns.

i also have to decide if i want money and how much i want/need. what am i willing to do (compromise) for money?
let's see:
i have already compromised my morals for money so that doesn't seem to be too much of an issue. i think i will have problems compromising my time for money because i hate to spend too much time working.
i am not cut out for this fakakta kaka!
and you know what? i don't see myself being satisfied with jumping into having children and never figuring this out so i better hurry the fuck up.
tick, tock!

today at work there was a physically challenged man i felt so sad. he was pushing a mailroom cart.
i thought about how lucky i am and how i should be helping people, not dwelling on myself all selfish and pointless all the time wasting time.
i want to bring my straw beach mat to work and the aim is to spend an hour a day at bryant park with no one noticing i'm gone (very likely).
i wrote a bunch of deep stuff while drunk and on the subway sat. nite.
i will share it for i have no shame.

main points:
-stop being afraid to learn skills.
-stop being afraid to invite people out.
-stop being critical of me and others.
-stop feeling inferior.
-stop obsessing over petty things i cannot control.
-stop being closed off and solitary.
-stop being driven by quantity instead of quality.
-stop neglecting my body.

i am reconsidering doing the medical study because i don't want to fuck myself more.
i am ovulating hardcore right now and it makes me so tired. maybe it's time to use my parts.

after work yesterday i went to mt. sinai to talk to the psychiatrist and see if i'm qualified to take part in a medical study on internet addiction. she was very nice, asked me a bunch of questions, and was able to come to the conclusion that i am perfect for the study. it's been going on for a year and i am the last person to enter it. i'm pretty happy about it.
next i have to get a physical examination and some bloodwork to make sure everything's healthy and ready to go. they're going to be putting me on 10 mg. of lexapro for 12 weeks and at some point during the 12 week period they are going to switch and put me on a sugar pill for a 2 week stint and see the kind of changes i exhibit. lexapro is for depression and anxiety and internet addiction is an obsessive-compulsive problem. people who become depressed tend to turn anxious and develop obsessive compulsive behaviors. obsessive-compulsive people lack seratonin in their brains and lexapro perportedly increases levels of seratonin so they are trying to make a distinct correlation between lexapro and reduced obsessive-compulsive behaviors. i'm excited to see the results but i don't know what i'll do if i want to remain on the drug once the study is over.
after the 12 weeks are up, they will put me on either a placebo or lexapro for 9 additional weeks and neither i nor the psychiatrist will know which pill i'm taking. i'm sure i'll figure it out from the way i behave around the computer. i will be visiting with the psychologist for an hour every other week and she will be closely watching any changes i have with regards to my addiction. i get $25 for each visit with her and i get $50 for the medical exam/blood tests. i'm not really concerned with the compensation, i'm just glad i get to be a part of this.
lexapro is FDA approved which puts me at ease somewhat.
it's not like i don't realize what i'm doing when i get on the computer. i could probably change my habits on my own but i'm curious to see what the drug does.
when you're addicted to something - whether it's drugs, sex, food, the internet, or even exercising, it's because you are trying to gain an extreme amount of power over one aspect in your life in order to make up for the fact that other parts of your world seem to be swirling out of control. i realize this and want to fix it and learn how to focus on things that are really important.

since the hospital is all the way on the upper east side, after my appointment bryan met me up there and we went to sachi for the most wonderful sushi rolls and avocado/yellowtail tartar salad. after we ate we took a cab to times square and saw harry potter 3 which was very entertaining except i was freezing my ass of the entire time since i was only wearing a skirt and a short sleeved shirt. you know how they love to crank that a/c at those big ass movie theaters.
i'm going to trader joe's with christine today for the very first time! what to buy, what to buy?
i really want to see fahrenheit 9/11 today but i hate going to the movies on opening day. i might go to a party with shishaldin later but i have to wait and see how social i feel. you never can tell with me.

requisite weekend post

saturday night we ended up meeting in flushing for korean food at Kum Gang San. it's such a perpetually packed popular place that they have an entire waiting room for people to sit in while their tables become available. the room even has tea and books and computers and alcohol to occupy people! while waiting, i had a vodka tonic that made my head throb because the bartender used cheapo vodka. to eat, i had the soon doo boo chigae which was yum. we had seafood scallion pancakes and the bbq beef house special, too. dee-lish. bryan threw in some vinegared sashimi for good measure.

on father's day we went to greenwich, ct for a bbq with bryan's aunt, uncle, 2 cousins and grandpa plus his mom and 2 sisters. it was enjoyable with kite flying and sunshiney breezes. i think i got a little bit sunburned. we came back to queens around 6 and headed over to his dad's house to have some more meats (this time chinese) and then came home just in time for six feet under & to watch the end of "the last samurai". that movie bothers me because the overall message seemed to be that white man conquers all, and the white man just happened to be tom cruise (yeah, right).

i have to find a way to do something productive today. take pictures of something or print up some photos or get my life more in order. now.

my mom called me last night and we laughed for an hour.
i was talking about how i'm the first generation (of women) who's expected to 'be something'.
i also told her how i wished i had some sort of cultural heritage to pass down to my chillen someday.
like a song or a recipe or a story. i will create my own i think.
i am baking lemon cupcakes and when they come out of the oven i poke them with a fork and drizzle a mixture of lemon juice and powdered sugar on top.
they are for a bbq i'm going to tomorrow in CT.
i am kind of addicted to the game show network. they show old game shows from the 70's.
match game is a good one with george nelson riley.
they used to smoke cigarettes and pipes and wear funny eyeglasses on those crazy game shows.
badasssss.
i have to watch my netflix now. i've been holding on to 'umbrellas of cherbourg' and
'the last samurai' for 100 days.
it's hotter than a mother outside.
last night while flipping through the channels i stumbled upon 'lord of the g-strings' featuring dildo saggins.
i kid you not. it was godawful but i couldn't stop watching.
okay bye.

i walked down to the boulevard intending on getting a pedicure. i picked out my colors (deep reds with flecks of gold, burgundy) and sat there to wait. i thought about how many germs had to be breeding in the foot basins. i wondered how rude it would seem to bring my own disinfecting wipes next time.
i thought i had enough cash ($15) in my wallet but i like to check to make sure. nope, only 4 or 5 singles.
i told the lady i'd come back later. in the morning?, she asked. i said maybe tomorrow.
i thought i'd see how far 4 or 5 dollars could take me and if it could make me content in some way.
i wanted flowers but they cost more than $5. i wanted to shop for my own nailpolish and do my nails myself but the drug store was closing.
so i went to the dollar store and bought 8 aluminum stove burner shields for $1.08.
i thought about my mom and how we always go to the dollar store together and realized i miss her.
they sell food at the dollar store. i wonder who buys it?
our milk expires (in nyc) tomorrow so i went to the one-stop grocery and bought a quart of milk for $1.49.
i thought that seemed a bit expensive for milk.
i didn't feel wonderful but i felt i had somehow accomplished something in leaving the house today.
i was walking back to the apartment and ran into a mexican lady pushing an italian ice cart. it was kind of strange to find her on the sidewalk in front of a small apartment complex. i got a scoop of the bubblegum flavor for $1.
i wish that i didn't equate happiness or fulfillment with spending money.
who knew it was even possible to leave the house without spending more than 3 and some change?
although i was only outside for a little over an hour.

i spent 5 days on a resort island and lived to tell about it!!

i'm back!
here's 3 pages of pictures. the first half of the trip was spent with my brother and his wife and two kids. i hadn't seen him in 3 years! the second half was spent celebrating my friend's wedding.

things of note:
-everyone lets it all hang out at a resort so i let all mine hang out, too. it felt good.
-i got kinda tan! unbelievable!
-i consumed ridiculous amounts of crab and pork and alcohol. (see here)
-there's some dumb law in south carolina that forces the bars to use those little airplane bottles of alcohol when making drinks so the drinks all sucked. i stuck to wine.
-on the second day we rented bikes and biked for 3 hours all around the island and now i really want to get a bike! (again)
-me and bry slept in the same bed the whole time and had no problems. we think it's because it was a king size bed. hmm.
-i missed sushi so much i had it within an hour of landing in new york.
-i'm glad to be home. i love to travel but it really takes a lot out of you. phew!

woke up at 8:24, groaned, showered, dressed in something kind of acceptable, makeup, contacts, hair, drank a little oj, packed up purse, grabbed father's day gift to mail out, grabbed paycheck to deposit, grabbed bikini top to perhaps exchange. had big list of to-dos.
walked to train, only had to wait 1.5 minutes for F to come, got in second car (front) and sat in seats for handicapped and disabled. got lucky and no one sat in the middle seat. tried to read my new york magazine but was too tired. shut eyes for a little while. arrived at 42nd street/bryant park stop 30 minutes later, walked upstairs and one avenue. walked into work and took elevator to 17. it was 10:10. swiped myself in, logged into computer, emailed my boss saying i was there. made maple and brown sugar cream of wheat via microwaved cup of water. ate it, did some work (minimal). burned some cds for boss, took some pictures of showroom, edited and proofread store training manual for australia. at noon, went out and deposited check at bank, bought wrapping paper and father's day card for dad. came back to office and learned there was free lunch. ate part of a turkey/brie sandwich and some salad and random dessert cookies/cakes. learned minutes later of market lunch a few floors below. went down there with workmate and got some weak thai food. picked at it. wrapped father's day gift and did a little more work. typed up work invoice to submit to boss and accounts payable. got stuff together and logged off computer (left early today at 2). took elevator down and walked outside towards post office on 38th street. waited in line for about 10 minutes. postal worker was pleasant. shipped package priority with insurance and delivery confirmation. left post office and headed to lord and taylor to try to exchange bathing suit top. tried on alternate top and it was worse than first top. kept first top. looked at their dresses again and tried two more on. they were hideous. wandered to the first floor and bought some flip flops, ankle socks (black) and a thong for my foot? (pic later maybe). tried on 25 different hats and liked none. left lord and taylor and walked uptown towards aveda to get free birthday perfume (20 dollar gift because they love me?). it started to pour for all of 10 minutes. aveda guy is nice and i get 2 shampoo samples and scent #5. walk to banana republic to look for dress for wedding. futile. walk to ann taylor and find the perfect dress for only $60. saved! decided i'm tired of being in manhattan and take the E at 53rd street to queens. still need pedicure and am hoping my neighborhood nail place will still be open when i get home. there are no seats on the train so i stand until roosevelt ave. i get to sit down next to a very obese african american man. he seems nice. i get off at union turnpike to get the F. i get off at my stop and have gotten on the right car because it lets me off right at the front of the station. i walk upstairs and contemplate getting some kind of energy bar because i'm famished. takes too much effort to find one so i give up after 2 minutes. walk to nail salon and it's open until 8 so i have an hour to spare. i choose a burgundy color with gold flecks. the nail place is busy so it takes about an hour. there is a lady with ticklish feet and a lady with a baby who's afraid of the masks the nail technicians wear and so she's crying a little. people come in to get their moustaches waxed. one lady does my toes and another does my hands because they are just that busy. i leave and head to the pizza place for a slice with fresh mozzarella and roasted peppers and garlic. the pizza guys behind the counter flirt with me and ask me if i have a boyfriend. bryan runs into me as he is on his way to buy bunny bedding. i walk home balancing the slice of pizza and my purse and bags wondering how i'll be able to reach into my purse for my keys to open the door without ruining my nails. i manage it somehow. i get home and take off my jeans and wash my hands and eat my pizza sitting on the living room floor in my underwear. there's nothing remarkable on tv, i just turn it on for company. i hang up the dress i bought and then i shower because i smell. i clean angel (the bunny) and try to straighten up the apartment because i don't like to return to a mess after a vacation. bryan did laundry today so now i need to pack for our trip. we have to wake up at 4:30 because our cab comes to drive us to laguardia at 5:30. we're going to hilton head island, sc for my girlfriend joni's wedding. i'll be back on monday night with pictures and stories.