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Saturday, October 01, 2005

Frustration, know thine name

ever feel like screaming and crying into a pillow really loudly and flailing your arms and legs like a crazy person just to relieve some stress? well, that's how i feel today. i have not been sleeping proper. i have been going to bed too late, or early, depending on how you look at it. as a result, i have been waking up too late. i hate my upstairs neighbor lady and hope evil things happen to her but so far it's not working. it's just making me angry and i think i have an obsession with controlling my surroundings. thing is, my life is not under control right now. well, the career portion is not under control. and when that happens i feel this tremendous urge to make sure SOMETHING is under some serious control and at least (for your sake and mine) that one thing is not my hair this time. this time, that one thing is my home and how perfect it needs to be and how clean and quiet and relaxing and organized and ABSOLUTELY CONTROLLED it must be. and this stupid cunt rag neighbor lady is foiling my plans.
where is my therapist?
oh, and that's another thing. i think i might need a therapist (pist, pist) but i do not know how to go about finding one that does not suck.
something else. since being unemployed i hardly go outside because if you go outside you will spend money and i have no money. so i stay inside and obsess over things i cannot control and eat spaghetti because it's cheap.
at least i can start drinking hot tea because it's getting autumnal.
i don't think i like october. too many people died in october. at least we have halloween. though perhaps i'm too old to dress up this year.
see what i mean? it's getting bad.
What Else? well, ever since i got engaged i feel like certain someones, certain friends, have stopped calling me. engagement is some kind of repellant. well, it makes me sad. i feel like i'm running out of compadres in my area code. i need a helicopter so i can visit my friends who have scattered themselves all over the country/globe.
nobody said it was easy. huh.